What is the Difference Between Shame and Guilt?
The difference between shame and guilt is both deep and often disturbing. They also have different affects on us.
Put simply, shame says, “I am bad”, whereas guilt says, “I have done something bad”.
Shame
Shame is often about self-hate. It is an attitude of criticism that effects us mentally and emotionally. Often times, it is crippling and completely destructive to how we function in our day to day lives. It has a tendency to rob us of our true identities, of who we are meant to be. Sometimes, it also takes from us our belief in self.
Speaking from personal experience, it is an intensely painful phenomena. It grabs us, takes hold of us, and refuses to let us go. This was my experience as a young child, and was mostly put upon me out of lack of knowledge. It was not out of an act of abuse. This was just the way things were done when I was growing up.
It was an acceptable way of getting children to behave, and therefore very common. I actually grew up with two very caring, loving parents. As I already sated, this started for me when I was rather young. And, although I rarely experience shame any longer, I never quite know if or when it will arise again.
I felt very much as though I was a failure as a person and often felt alone. As I got older, as a teenager and young adult, I had the sense that no one would ever love me. How or why would other people love me, I couldn’t even love myself?
Guilt
Guilt is much more about regrets, for actions taken or not taken. It manifests as a feeling of having done something wrong, or maybe even, being bad.
I have had plenty of guilt just as much as shame, therefore, I am more than familiar with it. My personal experience with this phenomenon, was and still is, in a state of overkill. I am even ridiculous to the point of feeling guilty, about stuff I never did. There is a sense of feeling guilty about seeing others do something wrong, just knowing is enough to send me into a state of panic and guilt. It’s insane.
Guilt was such a huge part of my life that I apologized over and over for the same things. It was probably very annoying to the people that had to listen to my rant on so many occasions. Others were able to forgive me , but that wasn’t the problem. I was causing my own pain by allowing guilt to hang on to me.
There were times I would apologize for things others had no way of knowing I had done. Most things not even relevant to anyone, just to me. To the stories I told myself about how terrible a person I was.
There is nothing wrong with apologizing for wrongs done. However, it does no one any good to hold on to old issues and guilt patterns that no longer have any relevance to others.
A Combination of Both Shame and Guilt
The Difference Between Shame and Guilt
As a child, like most kids I knew growing up in my day, I was often punished by being shamed. It was probably a daily experience. This was a usual thing at home, at school, in church, and in other social situations. It was the norm.
I often felt that I was undeserving, undervalued, misunderstood, ignored, belittled, and so much more. A common saying in those days went something like this, “children should be seen but not heard”.
It seemed to me that I could never do anything right. Therefore, after some time, I just stopped trying. I couldn’t even do that right. Personally, I just felt that I was “wrong”, like a second name or something. Therefore I not only felt shame, I felt guilt as well.
The Difference Between Shame and Guilt
Out of these two, shame runs the deepest, because it also seems to have a link to guilt. One seems to build on the other.
In high school I was accused of cheating. I was not cheating, the teacher made an assumption, and he, in fact, was in the wrong. When he reprimanded by said teacher, in front of 40 classmates, I was devastated. I was already a very shy person and easily embarrassed, my shame was palpable. In n the end I felt guilt because I couldn’t even stand up to him in my own defense.
This teacher told me that the school didn’t want people like me there. The shame dug in a little deeper. I was 15 at the time and that day I had to face my mother and tell her I was quitting school. I just felt like a failure in every respect.
Shame made me feel unworthy to “be” and the guilt told me I was right to feel that way.
Shame Leads to low Self-Esteem
Once again from personal experience, all the shaming and guilt led me to develop a very low self-esteem. Not a great place tp be at any point in ones life, but especially not as a teenager.
Every time a family member, a friend, a teacher, a classmate, or virtually anyone put me down, I believed every word they said. Therefore, I believed I was a cheat, a liar, ugly, too skinny, too fat, stupid, and unable to do anything right. Add on to that, I was a perfectionist, and it didn’t help.
I just could not satisfy anyone, not even myself. I even felt criticized when I wasn’t being criticized. My mind just always heard everything in that way.
Where the Law of Attraction Comes in
By now, if you have been following my blog, you have a very good idea what the law of attraction is. And you also know about how it works.
Ask for what you want. Believe that it is already yours. Receive it.
My point is, if you have shame and guilt built into your very being, how can you even ask for what you want? How can you believe that what you want is already yours? Then you need to be able to receive it. How are you ever going to believe that the Universe loves you enough to deliver to you, your desires?
If you feel these things your mind is focused mostly on the negative aspects of life. Focused on how you don’t deserve anything better in your life. Somehow you have to become aware that you have shame and guilt, if you don’t already know that is. These things are roaming around in your body and you need to rid yourself of them, now.
This may be why the law of attraction isn’t working for you.
Getting Rid of Shame and Guilt
You have to become aware of your shame and guilt and try to understand why it is affecting you. You can become more aware of these things and how they attack you, by becoming aware of your self-talk.
Stop criticizing yourself and develop compassion instead. For example, how often do you carry needles shame and guilt. Of course, guilt can be beneficial when you use it to right a wrong. Also to change a behavior you no longer respect in yourself. Shame, on the other hand, has absolutely no benefits to you in any way, shape or form.
It may not be easy to face or to even explore where these emotions and feelings stem from. However, I engaged in this process, and was able to deliver myself from most of my shame and guilt. It is my belief, that most of us can.
If you feel crippled by these two culprits, and you can’t get them out of your system, seek out help. Find a professional counsellor. You are more than worth it.
Image by johnhain and Pixabay