What is Bitterness?
What is bitterness? Bitterness is defined by Oxford Languages as; anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly: resentment.
Bitterness is related to emotions and feelings that we create towards others. We do this when we feel that another has hurt us. It has a tendency to grow into a monster if not dealt with.
We can also develop bitterness towards a situation that has somehow gone wrong. It usually begins with anger, and if we hang onto it, it will develop into bitterness. Forgiveness is the key to getting rid of bitterness.
How we use Bitterness Towards Others
Now that we know what bitterness is, we need to understand how we use it.
We generally say mean things, and do mean things others to hurt others. We believe that they have hurt us, therefore, we feel that we need to hurt them back. We feel sorry for ourselves and it develops into feelings of hatred.
Often times we become spiteful, antagonistic, and treat others badly in order to punish them. This is all done in order to ease the pain. But all we really do is increase the pain and feel worse about ourselves.
How Bitterness Keeps us Hurting
Ajahan Chah once said “If you let go a little, you will have little peace. If you let go a lot , you will have a lot of peace”.
I am not suggesting that getting angry at others is so terrible, but blaming them for your feelings “is”. Nobody is responsible for your feelings but yourself.
If you hold on to the anger too long, you “will” become bitter. It will keep you awake at night. You may find yourself having imaginary conversations between yourself and the one you feel has hurt you. You will usually find yourself becoming defensive when talking with this person. Unless you choose to forgive, you will be the one carrying this burden.
In the past I was guilty of telling a friend about how terrible X treated me. It was repeated and it came back to bite me in the butt. I used to hold on to things that happened years ago and would not forgive. I couldn’t tolerate being around these people, nor did I have any interest in knowing anything about them. I also kept a mental list of the things they did to hurt me.
I felt justified in how I felt and wanted revenge. However, All that time I wasted on this futile game kept me feeling miserable and sad. In the meantime, these people are out living their lives and have long forgotten me and my hurt feelings.
The Truth of the Matter
The truth of the matter is, nobody can hurt our feelings, only we decide to hurt. I know this is not an easy fact to accept, however, hurt is a choice. We either choose to accept to feel hurt or we choose to forget and to get on with our lives. We win when we walk away and drop the issue. We can also choose to walk away from those who we feel hurt us. After all, they may not be that important to our lives. But if they are important to us, we need to forgive and to learn from the experience.
As I write this I am reminded that I never shared with X about how her actions had affected me. Although this incident has long been dead and buried, it appears that I still have a bit of work to do. I thought I had forgiven, but perhaps not, so I choose to do so now.
What is bitterness but self-inflicted pain? As stated by Billy Graham, ” Bitterness is anger gone sour, an attitude of deep discontent that poisons our souls and destroys our peace”.
How to Recognize what Bitterness is
How to Overcome Bitterness
Sometimes it is easier to recognize bitterness in the self when we first recognize it in others.
These are some of the signs of bitter people;
- They hold grudges
- Some will not let go of wanting to get even with other people
- They justify their pain and feel a great deal of self-pity
- There is a tendency for them to easily become jealous of others
- Some have a tendency to gossip about others
- They enjoy more than their share of attention
- Somehow they never seem to be happy for other people
- They refuse to forgive and forget
- Many have a very low self-esteem
How to Overcome Bitterness
Try to establish if this person who you feel has hurt you, had any intention of harming you? Do they even know that you feel hurt by them?
Some time ago I found myself in this position. I told someone how their actions had caused me to feel hurt and disappointed. They had no idea how I felt. Luckily, we were able to discuss the issue and we found a way to never allow this to happen again. How? By not allowing things to get bottled up. We now speak up before things get out of hand, therefore, things rarely do.
Ask yourself if you are being logical about the situation. If you find that it is logical and he/she meant to hurt you, then is this person worthy of your friendship?
Personal Experience
Several years ago I had a friendship with someone I thought I knew. I also thought she respected me as I respected her. As it turns out, this was not the case. She put me in a very awkward position in the presence of several people.
We made a date to discuss the issue and we chatted. As it turned out she was not at all sorry for her behavior and had no intention trying to heal the friendship. Therefore, I found to my dismay that it was best to dissolve the friendship. It was family related so we did see one another on occasion, we were both civil towards one another, but the trust was gone.
I forgave her as best I could and was therefore able to let go of not only the issue, but of her as well.
We can choose to forgive and to forget, and to allow the offense to stay in the past where it belongs. There is the possibility that the other will never understand what they did/said. However once you let go and forgive, it doesn’t matter any longer. We may have a difficult time understanding where they are coming from as well. a decision may have to be made, whether the relationship is worth the bother or not.
They may have chosen to to be hurtful on purpose, and created a selfish act. But it doesn’t mean that they are, within themselves, selfish people. Forgive and forget and learn form the experience. Don’t carry the burden any longer, just let it go and perhaps let them go as well.
Examine your Motives and Learn From the Experience
Examine exactly why you chose to hurt so badly. Are you gaining anything by holding on to this grudge and this self-pity? For example; are you getting attention, sympathy, do you feel superior to this person? Perhaps you no longer want or need this individual in your life, therefore, this may be your way out of the friendship.
There could be an array of reasons for the choice you are making. However, in the end, you can choose to forgive, to let go, and to continue on with the relationship. Or, you can choose to forgive, but to let go and end the relationship.
Whatever the result, you can learn from the situation and therefore grow and develop and become the person you want to be. It all boils down to the choices you make for yourself.
“Bitterness is clinging on to negative experiences. It serves you no good and closes the door to your future.” Leon Brown.
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