The Problem with Making Assumptions
We all make assumptions, however, there is a problem with making assumptions. Why? Because assumptions are not made due to facts. Assumptions, in many cases means that we are typically wrong. We cannot be bothered to ask questions, or to seek out the truth. Somehow we convince ourselves that the story we are telling ourselves is true. In reality, an assumption is just that, “a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof”.
Most times we do not have the evidence we need, and absolutely no facts to back up what we believe to be true. However, I have noticed that mostly everybody I know makes assumptions. It appears to be the norm. We don’t take the time to question our thoughts.
Some Common Assumptions
These assumptions are common to me and often get me feeling bad. They cause arguments, mistrust, pulling away from others, and others pulling away from us, lack of communication, and undesirable emotions.
Common assumptions I am guilty of;
- She never calls, therefore, she doesn’t like me.
- He always assumes that I’m wrong, but he always thinks he’s right.
- This friend believes she’s better than everybody else.
- That person has a bad reputation for taking advantage of other people.
- He’s going grocery shopping, he knows what I want so I don’t have to tell him.
- She knows exactly what I’m thinking and feeling, therefore she should be treating me like I want her to.
- If I take this next step in my life, I know I will fail, so I better stay in my comfort zone.
- I really miss these people but I know they wouldn’t want me to visit them.
Of course, this is only a tiny example of the assumptions I make. Every assumption here has a negative connotation attached to it. I rarely take to time to check these stories out, however, with practice, I make fewer assumptions as time goes by.
Is it Possible That Making Assumptions is Common to the Human Experience?
When I see patterns like this around me, like, “making assumptions” I wonder if this is just part of being human. Is there a use for it or not? What if we were born with this capability for a reason and we allow it to get out of hand? Or is all of this just learned behavior?
According to Heather Adams of the Arbinger Institute; “We make assumptions because they are an efficient way to process the world.
There are over one hundred billion cells in our brain and each of them makes over ten thousand connections with other brain cells. While the large number of possible combinations of cell connections allows for higher-ordered thinking, this is a big problem evolutionarily in terms of energy cost…Therefore, the brain has to encode things efficiently to save energy.
One way our brain saves energy is by making assumptions. We draw on our past experiences to find patterns in how the world works. When we encounter new situations, we apply these patterns—or assumptions—to the new environment.
This process saves us the energy of analyzing each situation completely anew. And it’s often quite useful! I can assume, for example, that last week’s work attire will be appropriate this week, too. Then I don’t need to use much brainpower to decide what to wear to work.”
How Some of my Assumptions Worked out for the Best
Making Assumptions
For example, I do a great deal of walking on my own on country roads. I decided that it was too dangerous to be walking on these roads because I made the assumption that country drivers are reckless. At least this is what I told myself.
I ended up scaring myself out of walking. Then I scared myself right back into walking. Why? I talked myself into believing that if I stopped walking I would end up getting overweight and having a heart attack or something like that.
Perhaps this was partially good and worked out for the best. To begin with I thought about how ridiculous I was being. I knew practically zero of the drivers, had no idea where they were from, country, city, out of towners. This was wrong of me to think they were country drivers. I also realized that I expected them to drive more carefully. Wanted them to slow down and push over closer to the center of the road when there was no oncoming traffic.
This all caused me to be really careful when I go for walks. I give every driver a wide berth when they approach me. I make sure they see me move away from the side of the road. This usually causes them to move away from me as safely as they possible can. Now I am able to walk, keep my weight down, exercise my heart and enjoy a safe walk.
Making Assumptions
“We automatically tend to assume the following; the way I see something is the way it is. The way I feel about something is the way he or she is. The way I remember an event is the way it was”. Jack Cowell and Chip Huth
This sounds just about right to me. Now that I have become aware of my own behavior, I see it in everyone else. I can relate to others and I am able to be much more forgiving, not only towards others but to myself as well.
Things come much clearer to us when we examine our thinking and our beliefs. Furthermore, we begin to understand that the way others think and behave are similar to our actions. Now I have a tendency to examine the way I look at things and to the stories I tell myself about a person or situation and if I don’t have facts to back myself up, I work hard at letting the story go.
Yes, I still fall on my face, still get things wrong, but certainly not as often as I used to. I am also much more forgiving of others who are unconsciously believe the stories they tell themselves.
Black and White Thinking
Black and white thinking is a thought pattern that makes people think in absolutes. Dan Brendon M.D. As I have become more aware of this pattern of thinking, I now understand how damaging this behavior was for me. Using words like, “you always and/or you never” is rarely true a true statement. I notice myself doing this because I noticed how much I hated it when others said that about me.
I rarely see all the dimensions associated with an issue and making assumptions doesn’t help. They just complicate things and cause others and myself undue stress. I also find that I make assumptions when the aspect of fear comes into my emotions. I grab hold of an idea and I cannot seem to let go because eventually I get into a protective mode.
This usually makes matters worse for myself. If the fear is bad enough I don’t sleep very well. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. I cannot think straight when I feel this way and the stories take over. This usually results in my fear and panic growing way out of proportion.
Once I remember to look at the truth that I am making assumptions, the distress calms down and I am then able to get back to my normal state of relaxation. Unfortunately, it may take some time to reach this point. Practice makes perfect they say, and I am constantly improving by letting go of the assumptions I am making.
Questions to use When Making Assumptions
When I find myself making assumptions I have developed the habit of asking myself these questions;
- What facts do I have to back my story up?
- Where are these thoughts coming from?
- Is my source real or made up?
- Would I feel better if I had the facts?
- Can I do some research, ask questions to clarify this issue for myself?
In my humble opinion, I feel that our assumptions are about trying to control what could happen in our life. The truth is, we cannot control anything that happens to us, it only seems that way at times. I have become aware of this and I realize that I make up these stories because I falsely believe that I can control my future by doing so.
When I use the above questions I am able to to get back to reality almost instantly. Again, due to practice, I get better at this all the time.
Learned Behavior
According to J.D. Hancock, “many assumptions are actually learned behaviour. They come from our culture and our families, and from what we were taught to think as a child. We tend to take on our parents’ assumptions, such as assuming that we do or don’t deserve certain things (a good life, money, love) or we should or shouldn’t do other things (get married, be atheist, wear bright clothes).
Even if we grow up and learn to question the ways our parents think, we might still unwittingly be making assumptions like them because we approach relationships with others using patterning we were taught as a child. For example, you might assume a good relationship means two people must always agree with each other – but does it? And how much would this colour and control your choices of partner if this was your assumption?’
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