How Is Gossip Defined?

The dangers of gossiping are clear in this definition.

Oxford Languages defines gossip as “a casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people. Typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true”.

 

 

Admitting to Gossiping

Spreading Lies

 

Time to admit that I gossip with one person. I am having a difficult time stopping this horrible habit. I’m getting better, because for years it was with a few more people. People I trusted most of the time, I admit I often got it wrong. I learned a few lessons, the hard way.

For the past 20 years, I have had three people I confided in. Now I confide in one person that I trust. If something gets back to me, I know where it came from, and I then stop sharing with them. I don’t know why I talk about other people. Because, no matter if it’s good or bad, I always end up feeling a bit sick about it. 

When I was in grade school, I remember being told not to tell this certain girl anything. She was known as a gossip. There was no way anyone trusted her. I never forgot this about her, neither do I have any proof that what I was told was true. There is no way of getting rid of this bad feeling about gossip ever since. I also admit that I may have and may still be more of a gossip than I realize. All I know for absolute certainty, is, “I want to stop this habit now”.

 

Spreading Lies

 

So, what if we spread lies but don’t know it? It is because others also believe what we say without checking it out. Therefore, we may end up destroying someone’s reputation. Someone spread a lie about me when I was a young adult. She told people she saw me with someone. It made me feel sick because it was not a person I would associate with in any way.

It destroyed something in me that I never regained, the ability to truly trust friends. This incident crushed my spirit and I never spoke with that girl again. Even after all these years, when I hear someone speak about her, I get uncomfortable about being friends with people who associate with her. 

In another situation I was the one who spoke a lie about another. I thought it was true information and told a friend, this friend told another person and it spread like wildfire. It damaged that girl’s reputation because I didn’t have the facts. It also didn’t do my reputation any good. There was nothing I could do to change it. Living with regret is no fun – all I could do was to eventually forgive myself. The girl I lied about never spoke to me again and I don’t blame her. I was wrong. End of.

I don’t remember why I spoke about her it was so long ago. It may have been because she hurt me. Therefore, I wanted her to feel bad or to look bad. I have come to realize that gossip, true or lie, if it harms someone, it harms me as well. I learned it because I was both the instigator and the victim.

 

Why Do We Gossip?

We can Never Take it Back

 

 

Some of the reasons why we gossip are easy to understand, even when we know how shameful the reasons are. It is so easy to get caught up in gossip.

 

Gossip tends to make us believe that we have power over another, so it is tempting to yield that power. We tell ourselves, “I know something about this person that nobody else knows. I can be the first to tell my friends, it will show them that I know things that they don’t know”. It never has turned out to be quite like that. The only thing that ever happened, was that I always felt guilty. And I was afraid that it would get back to the person I spoke about. My conscience knows the truth, but my ego nearly always takes over. I may be getting better, but that ego has a lot of power in my life. 

 

When we appear to know something about another person, our ego gets a boost. Therefore, we feel better for a while. Even if the share is with only one person. Someone we may trust we still feel that little ego burst. Thus, we allow ego to take over. not only the tongue but the heart as well. Just because we feel that someone is trustworthy, does not mean that they will not slip the story out by mistake. Or maybe just because they themselves, need that little ego burst. 

 

We can Never Take it Back

 

Once we say something we can never take it back, we can never undo the harm. Gossip can and often does unrepairable damage to relationships. When gossip has harmed me, I can always forgive the offender, but I never forget, that the damage has been done. I can never fully trust and/or respect that person again. I assume it is probably the same for people I have gossiped about. Why should I expect more from others than what I can give?

 

I have learned from being on both sides of the fence, how we can suffer inside. No matter if I am the one gossiping, or if I am the victim of gossiping. The trust is gone, I even stop trusting myself when my ego needs overcome my sensibility. I am now at a stage where I prefer not to know too much about other people’s lives. Especially personal things, unless they tell me themselves, even then, there are times when I wish I didn’t know. If I don’t know, at least I cannot be tempted into discussing something I know nothing about.

 

Sometimes we gossip because it makes us feel accepted, helps us to fit in. Perhaps we want attention because attention makes us feel good. Sometimes it’s all about revenge, we want to hurt someone, because they hurt us. So, gossip can provide a feeling of power and if people listen to us, also a feeling of connection.

 

What Are the Dangers of Gossiping?

Don’t Gossip to Harm

When I Gossip

 

Gossiping may give you what you want, especially when you’re looking for revenge, it doesn’t do your spirit any good. Remember that people change, we change and so do the people we once gossiped about. Imagine later in life, you become best friends with this one person you once spoke against. They, at some point in time, hear about what you did long before you became friends. Your friend now knows where that rumor, that damaged her reputation, came from. How long do you think this new friendship is going to last? That amazing relationship could easily come crashing down in a heartbeat.

 

We need to be careful what we say. We have no idea what is going to happen in the future. Imagine the person you slandered being responsible for getting you out of trouble one day. A lawyer, a doctor, a banker, a police officer, perhaps the member of a group you want to belong to. You are then at their mercy. Good luck with that. Imagine you fall in love with someone and go to meet their family. You realize you started a malicious rumor about them. Perhaps it once caused them a relationship, or a job, or some other important aspect of their life was damaged because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut. You just never know how your life will unfold.

 

Don’t Gossip to Harm

 

As a young adult I had a friend who cheated with my then boyfriend. I knew something about her that could have destroyed her, and her family. However, no matter how badly she hurt me, I never shared this confidence with anyone. I couldn’t hurt her, what she did was wrong but so was destroying her with such harmful material. As it happened, several years later, my dear friend and this same girl, ended up working for the same institution. Thus, they became good friends. I am so happy that I kept my mouth shut. Both these people are out of my life today. But this girl’s secret remains as a reminder of how easily things can change. 

 

Have you ever based your judgment of another person due to gossip? I have. I have also been judged by what others were told about me. Lies that someone started because they thought they saw me somewhere doing something that I would never have done. No matter how much time passes by, the thoughts associated with those days still crop up now and again. They remind me to be careful with my mouth. Some people allowed this gossip to determine for them what they chose to believe about me. Gossip is so powerful, and I know I still fall into this trap now and again. I try to give all people I know respect, because it’s what I want from others, but I do fail at times.

 

When I Gossip

 

When I share, even if it’s only with one person, and I know I can trust her, I always feel guilty, every time. It never fails to make me feel bad. Even when I share something that I know to be true, I feel sick about it. I know it isn’t fair to speak about someone who isn’t there to defend herself/himself. Perhaps just to clear up a miscommunication. What we hear, what we see, what we witness, is all subjective. We sometimes twist around what others say and put our own slant on words and concepts. Thus we can never be absolutely sure that what we interpret is the truth.

 

How to rid Ourselves from the Habit of Gossiping

Stop Playing This Game

 

I once decided to never be a part of gossip again. Unfortunately, it is a full-time practice to keep away from this nasty habit. It almost seems as though it is a part of being human. It’s difficult to stop and I often fall on my face, more times than I care to admit to. There is one thing that helps me to keep my mouth shut. That is to remember how painful it can be to be the victim. And not to be able to do anything about it. People choose to believe what they want to believe, fair or not it’s the way it is. I also try hard to not speak against others because I want to be trusted by family, friends and strangers. I never want to be known as a gossip and I hate being the cause of another’s pain.

 

There are things we can do to help ourselves stop this awful habit. A few things have helped in the past, and I still use these methods today. The first thing I do is to change the subject. Sometimes I may be getting caught up in the gossip, but when I find myself doing so, I do change the subject. I have also politely excused myself from conversations that I feel uncomfortable with.

I have made excuses to go to the bathroom or tell people I have something to do. Therefore, I use whatever reason is available to me at the time. I have also told people not to tell me about others because I would rather not know. I do not want to be tempted to tell anyone else. If I hear someone having a conversation about someone else, I choose to just walk away before I am tempted to join in. 

 

Stop Playing This Game

 

I decided a long time ago to stop playing this horrible game, but, as I said, I still fall into it. There is one person I always confide in because I trust her, however, I know in my heart that I’m wrong. I feel it in my gut, and I feel guilty even if it isn’t mean. Even if it’s the truth. Talking about others behind their back is wrong for me. Even telling the truth about another could still cause undue pain to another. Perhaps it’s something they don’t want anyone to share about them. So, it’s always best to think before we speak. 

 

My Point Is

 

My point is, there is a danger to gossiping, “gossip is wrong”, it’s a nasty habit. If we do this, we are allowing ourselves to indulge in nasty behavior. We need to stop. We need to try our absolute best to become conscious of this habit and to do everything we can to learn to keep our information to ourselves. I know it isn’t easy, but I also know it’s doable with practice. 

 

Writing this post has been a wonderful reminder for me. It is said that “confession is good for the soul”, and that has certainly been true in this circumstance. It’s making me think about how I want to stop doing this, and how I want to be loyal to my family and friends. There is absolutely no need for me to be telling someone else’s story for them.

 

What We Can Do

 

What we can do is to remember to ask ourselves a few questions before we get involved in gossiping.

 

 For example,

• Do I want to risk harming this person by saying what I’m about to say?
• What is my reason for wanting to say this?
• Is this about building up my ego?
• Am I better off not knowing what is being said about another person?
• Do I know if the story is true?
• Is it worth risking my own reputation by gossiping?
• Do I want to associate with people who gossip?
• Will this gossip destroy a relationship?
• What do I expect to gain by saying what I am about to say?
• Am I going to be filled with guilt because I gossiped about another person?
• Will I regret my words in the future?

If you have been the victim of gossip, you can try;

• having a private chat with the offending party and try to repair the damage that has been done.
• to ignore the gossip as it will pass. 
• talking to someone you can trust to ease the pain you are feeling, if you think it will help.
• if it’s a case of bullying, you can speak to a counsellor, a teacher, a parent, or even seek therapy. Make sure it’s a safe place and know that it won’t cause you more problems.

If you are the one who gossiped and caused another’s pain, you can try,

• a sincere apology. Don’t be surprised if you are not forgiven, and don’t punish them by gossiping about that as well.
• making amends by telling the truth to the people you gossiped with.
• getting help if you cannot seem to stop this habit.
• to do your best to make things right.
• forgiving yourself for another slip and try harder the next time.