Why Trust Needs To Be Built Into The Foundation Of Your Relationships
Trust Defined
According to Oxford Languages. Trust is, “a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something,”. “Relationships have to be built on trust”.
Trust is one of the Most Important Aspect of a Relationship
Relationships Sometimes Fall Apart
Without trust in our relationships, we have very little to build upon. It is the very foundation we need to keep our relationships alive. Without trust we feel as though we are constantly living on the edge. We feel as though we cannot rely on people because we cannot trust them. Therefore, we never know if we are being told the truth. Similarly, we can never be sure of anything we are being told. This makes it exceedingly difficult to settle our minds and to feel safe.
I have had my share of not being able to trust people in some relationships I have been in. For example, I dated people who cheated on me and lied to me. And I also married a man who constantly lied and cheated on me. I have had friends and relatives, co-workers, and so on who lied to me. But it taught me not to trust so freely. I have had relationships that were totally destroyed because I just could not trust those people.
Once a trust has been broken in a relationship, no matter how close or intimate, the dynamics change. Our attitude toward those we once trusted will never be the same. We can perhaps continue to love those people. However, there will most likely always be a doubt deep inside. Therefore, telling us to be careful with our trust.
Being in an intimate relationship with someone we cannot trust puts us on a constant state of alert. I remember having difficulty sleeping at night if my partner was out late. Or perhaps not being where he said he would be. It was stressful. I also listened to phone conversations he was having, for signs of lies, or secrets.
I followed him around to see where he was. It felt as though I couldn’t let my guard down. I would ask questions that angered him. My imagination ran overtime with the worst possible scenarios. I read his texts whenever possible. In this case my fears were justified. He was having an affair, and deep down inside I probably knew, but could not allow myself to believe it was happening.
Relationships Sometimes Fall Apart
No Trust. No Relationship
The relationship fell apart, and at the time I wasn’t strong enough to just let it go. Therefore, I struggled for years believing that somehow everything would work out. We kept getting back together repeatedly but it never worked. Without the trust, we had nothing to build our relationship on. We didn’t have a foundation, so everything collapsed around us. The foundation of trust was no longer there.
As far as family and /or friendships are concerned trust is also the foundation we need. It is essential if these relationships are to last. I have both family and friends that I cannot fully trust. But this doesn’t mean that I don’t love them because I do. However, I changed how I interact with them. I especially stopped sharing personal information. Then I stopped seeing them as often as I used to, and I just stopped believing what they told me. I do not need that kind of drama in my life, who does?
No Trust. No Relationship
I read it all the time that we cannot have a loving relationship with people we don’t trust. But I don’t fully buy into that. In an intimate relationship if someone is or has cheated, if you cannot live with it, get out, walk away. But our capacity to love goes beyond trust. Although I no longer trust certain people in my life, I still love them very much. I have changed how I interact with them. The relationships’ dynamics have changed, but I do not stop loving people because they have flaws. In my opinion that is ridiculous, we all have flaws. Therefore, I work around that stuff and keep some of those people in my heart.
Even though I could never trust my x-husband again, I still love him. I care about his life, his health, his happiness, and his well being. We no longer live together, but he is hurting, and I often hope for healing in his life.
Some of the ways to Show Trust in a Relationship
Admitting to Making Mistakes
One of the things I discovered about being in an intimate relationship with someone is the need for trust. It brings peacefulness that settles inside my mind, body and spirit. There are no more sleepless nights worrying about where my partner could be, or if he is with someone else. No more worries about him going away on business trips and being unfaithful. I know he is being faithful to me. There is no tension, no fear, no wondering about what terrible scenarios could arise.
Being able to trust brings with it a calmness and a sense of peace.
We can resolve conflicts more easily when trust is there. Loving someone doesn’t mean that people don’t fight and argue. However, when those things happen, we can be more transparent about how we feel. Especially because we can trust that we love one another. We feel free to talk things through without fear.
It is similar with other relationships. When we know we can trust one another, it is so much easier to be open and honest. We can let our guard down and share more openly. When we speak to others and there is a mutual loyalty and trust, we can look one another in the eye. As a result, we do not need to lie to protect ourselves from criticism and blame.
When you suspect someone is lying to you, or feeling guilty about something, watch to see if they can maintain eye contact. If they can’t, they may be hiding something from you.
Admit to Making Mistakes
When we admit to our mistakes, we can be open to being asked questions that may be uncomfortable. Being honest allows us to discuss if we have been dishonest. If we have been true to the other, it should be easier to answer those questions. Honesty and trust allows us to feel safe sharing and answering those difficult questions.
In my last romantic relationship, I knew I had a friend, and he was indeed, my best friend. I could tell him anything and I “knew”, no matter what mistakes I had made, he would forgive me. It was comforting that I could tell him my deepest secrets. No matter how awful I thought those things were, he always stood by me.
I also knew he had a difficult time keeping secrets about other people. Therefore, I rarely told him anything about family, friends, co-workers etc. I knew there was a chance he would repeat what I shared. It was best to just keep quiet.
However, I “knew” I never had to worry about sharing things about myself, I felt safe, and I was right. If he ever spoke to others about my secrets, it never came back to me. One of the reasons why I knew he was loyal to me, is because he was loyal to his x-wife. He never disclosed anything about her to me, and he never spoke against her.
Trust Must be Built into the Foundation of Your Relationship
Build Your Relationship on Trust
Think about the foundation under a building, it is not just made of concrete. It also needs rebar, wood, screws etc. it needs reinforcement. The foundation of a relationship it is made of love, communication, understanding and trust. Like any foundation it must be built up and reinforced, and for me, trust is that reinforcement. If the foundation of a house is weak, the house will fall down. Likewise, if the foundation of our relationship is weak, our relationship will fall down as well.
Building this foundation of trust is not automatic, nor can it be demanded, it takes time to solidify. If we have the basic materials, of love, communication, and understanding, we can build on that. The trust will help keep those things together and keep it strong. If the foundation begins to crumble, distrust could be the problem.
Build Your Relationship on Trust
One way to establish if someone is trustworthy is to figure out if they are being honest. For example, do their actions line up with their words? Do you often wonder if they are lying to you? If so, do they also lie to other people? Do they consistently lie or is this a one off? Can you talk about this with them, are these lies affecting your relationship, can you live with them? Will these lies destroy your relationship if you keep quiet about what you have noticed and about what you know?
In one of my romantic relationships, I knew early on that my partner lied a great deal and it eventually destroyed us. Yet in another relationship, I also knew he was famous for his lies, but I also knew it would never destroy us. In this case it was more about ego, and embellishment, but never malicious. He knew I was aware of this. We talked about it a great deal, and even though it did cause arguments, we were always able to work things out. And there were times when we laughed about it.
This is not for everybody, some could never tolerate this behavior, and shouldn’t in most cases. In this particular situation, it had nothing to do with our relationship, but about his ego and his need to be heard. He was never malicious to me; it was just a personality flaw. I knew he was always loyal to me, and I could always trust him. I chose to have him in my life because it wasn’t troublesome for me. His other qualities outweighed his flaws, and I was good with that. Again, this is not for everyone.
Can a Relationship be Repaired After a Trust Has Been Broken?
We need to keep in mind that we all make mistakes, we are all capable of being erroneous, we are fallible. What we need to do is to discern weather the person we are concerned with has a real problem. Do you sense dishonesty and lying or are they just slipping now and again? Will this issue become a massive issue with your relationship, or can it be dealt with? And more so, can you live it?
If their words and actions cause you distress, and concern be cautious. Even if they apologize for their deceit, if their behavior doesn’t change you could end up with trust problems. You must discern if this person is trying to hide things from you, to hurt you, or just being thoughtless. Can you live with this? Do you want to, or is the trust so completely broken that it is unrepairable? The answer will come to you if you choose to be honest with yourself. You will know for yourself if the relationship is repairable or not.
Perhaps the relationship needs counselling, depending on how crucial the problem is. Or is it so bad, the relationship is just not worth working on. Professional help may be what you need. I know people who have gone through distrust in many ways but were able to repair the damage done.
My Point is
Trust is essential in a relationship, and it goes along with love, communication and understanding. It’s up to you to decide if you can have a healthy relationship without trust being part of that relationship.
If trust has been broken you will want to look within yourself to decide what is best for you, you must be honest with yourself in making this decision. If the answer is not clear for you, you may choose to reach out for counselling. Remember that trust is a big part of your foundation for a healthy relationship.
Trust, in any relationship, must be earned, and it is one of the most important parts of your foundation.
What you can do
Talk about your concerns if you have trust issues with your partner, or the person you share your life with. Decide intelligently whether you can live with distrust or not. Be honest with your decision. If your decision causes you distress, there is probably need for more thought, and probably help from counselling.
If it’s a friend you have trust issues with, and you don’t want to bring up the topic, it’s ok. Just observe more of what you are experiencing and get a clearer picture of what’s going on. If someone is being dishonest, decide if this is something that is causing a serious problem or not. Decide if you want to discuss it or not, is the issue a threat to your relationship?
I have found that most of the time, if it isn’t causing me distress, I change the dynamics of the relationship. For example, I stop sharing serious issues and/or personal details about myself or other things I don’t want repeated. If they ask why, I usually choose to be honest. Therefore, I reveal to them that I have trust issues with them. If they are a true friend they will understand, if not and the friendship dissolves, I have lost nothing.
Regardless of the outcome, I generally try to remain friendly with these people. I will not pull my love away from them. So, they have personal flaws, so do I. I remain true to myself by giving people the benefit of the doubt. Also, I understand we all make mistakes, and everyone is deserving of love. I may also choose to remove myself from damaging relationships. Therefore, I walk away, but I do not speak ill of them, or gossip about them.