- I Often Said “yes” When I Wanted to Say “no”
- The Importance of Saying “No”.
- There Are Times When it is Your Responsibility to Say “Yes”.
- Why is it so Difficult to Say “No”?
- Knowing How to Say “No”.
- What You Can Do.
- My Point is.
I Often Said “Yes” When I Wanted to Say “No”
I often said “yes” when I wanted to say no, that is until covid hit our little planet. Yes, I am saying thank you to COVID 19, there are two sides to every coin, and even to COVID. This was a time when I was able to grow and thrive, and I am not alone. I know several people who loved this time in their lives. It doesn’t mean that I welcomed this disease, however, I learned to live with it and found many things to be grateful for during this time.
For example, COVID forced me to take the big plunge into learning to say “no”. This took place shortly after COVID introduced itself into everyday life. I used to say “no” when I needed to, that was nothing new, but I couldn’t say it without feeling guilty. That is now a thing of the past.
I was always so caught up in what I thought other people would say or think about me, that I would agree to do things that I didn’t want to do. Ego caused me to fear, feel guilt, and eventually, I would feel angry towards myself because I knew I should have said “no”. I would then blame someone else for, “making” me do something I did not want to do.
When COVID hit, I had been going out almost every Sunday to spend time with a friend, have dinner and this was usually a 6-hour visit. I loved seeing my friend, but every Sunday was a significant commitment and I just couldn’t bring myself to say “no”. I wanted to be alone on Sundays and covid gave me the gift that I had been dreaming about. My freedom to say “no” guilt-free and to enjoy some me-time.
I have not stepped into that house or anyone else’s home since the seriousness of the disease became apparent. After I get my second shot, I will only go visit when I want to go, it will never be every Sunday again. There-in, thank you, COVID. I had to learn to stop saying “yes” when I wanted to say “no”.
The Importance of Saying “No”
Depending on the amount of self-esteem you have or don’t have, it may be causing you to be a people pleaser. When you are putting other people’s needs before your own, and “saying yes when you really want to say “no”, you need to figure out why you are behaving in this manner.
I used to say “yes” and then sometimes not follow through. I Wouldn’t show up, I would conveniently get sick, and sometimes “something” more important would just magically show up. It was an excuse to get out of having to do something I never wanted to do in the first place.
This would just cause more problems. Like the guilt of letting someone down by not following through with what I said I would do. This guilt was my punishment for being dishonest. Those people deserved more than I gave them and all I had to do was tell the truth. Instead, that person was left in the lurch because of me. Not good! In those times, there was also the fear that saying “no” would cost me a relationship, a job, and even respect. I was, however, going against my belief system, I was being dishonest.
Saying “no” when you truly do not want to do something, is always the best choice for yourself and others.
When is it Your Responsibility to Say Yes?
We all have responsibilities in our lives and there are times when we are called to say “yes” whether we like it or not. Many of us have families, friends, jobs, and we need to take responsibility for doing our best to be loyal to those who are part of our lives. We do need to say “yes” sometimes, even when we desperately want to say “no”.
There are times when we have the responsibility to say “yes”, because we do not have a choice. For example, if you create a child, you must be responsible for the choices you made in creating that little one. That child depends on you. Yup, there are times when you will just want to shut down and say “no”, no more, but you cannot do that. A baby needs love and attention – loads and loads of it. They need to be fed, need to have their diapers changed, they need to be cuddled, they need your patience, your gentleness, and your “time”. This is a good time to say “yes” when you really want to say “no”.
It may be a job you depend on and you have agreed to do the job. You do it according to what they expected from you when you were hired for the position. If you are asked to do things outside of your scope of work, you can still say yes. However, if it puts you in danger, or it is way beyond your sense of duty, you have a right to say “no”. You sometimes also have a lawful right to say no. You are there to do a job and to do it properly, but you are not hired to be a slave, so use your common sense, and know the labor laws.
Most people have responsibilities outside their jobs. Many have families, relationships, and other things that need their attention and time. You are only one person, you can not be everywhere at one time. You also need time for yourself. So where does that come in? Somehow, we all need to balance our lives, we cannot give 100% of out time to our job or career. If we do that, other aspects of our lives will eventually suffer. What about your health, is it taking a beating? Knowing when to say “yes” and when to say “no” is crucial to a happy and healthy life. How often have you said “yes” when you really wanted to say “no”?
Why is it So Difficult to Say No?
So, what exactly is going on, why is it so difficult to say no? Why are we so ready to accommodate others, and even strangers at times, instead of making the decision to accommodate ourselves?
I think we believe that when we say “yes” we will look better in the eyes of others. We may appear to be selfless, to be kind, to be seen as going beyond the call of duty. Perhaps we appear to be a wonderful friend, neighbor, co-worker, and it goes on and on. These things fed my hungry ego and that was enough to get me to say “yes” when I wanted to say “no”.
Knowing When to Say “No”
You find yourself in another situation when you say “yes” when you want to say “no”. The resentment is already building up. You say to yourself, “never again” for the 100th time.
Here are a few ideas to help you the next time you face this decision.
- Tell them you need time to think about it and that you will get back to them in a timely fashion. And stick to your word.
- With respect for the other and for yourself, choose to be honest. Be kind. If you decide to say “no”, you do not have to tell them all the details behind your no, do not make a long story out of it, and do not apologize unless you can do so casually.
- Do not say “yes” out of guilt, it is not fair to the other or to yourself.
- I often said “yes” when I wanted to say “no” , but I changed that habit. So can you.
Here are a few things you can say.
- I am sorry but I just can’t do it.
- That is not an option for me right now.
- I appreciate you asking me, but I just can’t do it.
- I can not commit to something like that, my plate is already full.
- That is not going to work for me, sorry.
- Sounds like a great opportunity, but perhaps another time.
What You Can Do
You can try to put this challenge into perspective and pay more attention to why you play the yes/no game. Try to establish what you really want for yourself. Begin the process of aligning yourself with what your gut feeling is telling you. I often said “yes” when I wanted to say “no”, so I taught myself to be honest about it.
Ask yourself what your highest priorities are. For example, what comes first, your job or time with your family? How do you balance that so you are happy, healthy, and able to think clearly? You have to take care of yourself first before you can make the best decisions. Be clear in your mind about what you want and need.
Allow yourself the time to think through what is best for everyone involved, when confronted with a tough decision. However
you need to put yourself first as often as you can.
My Point Is
You can learn to say “no” when you have to. And with respect, truthfulness, and without guilt. You do not have to give a reason, even if it is selfishness on your part. Saying “yes” when you want to say “no”, is not ok. Honesty is the best policy.
Remember, there are some things that will need your attention. Those responsibilities that cannot wait for you to make up your mind and you will not be able to say “no”. Your children or someone else you may be in charge of caring for, even a pet will sometimes need your immediate attention and care.
Be kind to yourself, be blessed, be well, and be honest with yourself and others. Learn to love yourself first, and to care for yourself first. From that point of view you will be able to make the best decisions possible.