Why Misunderstandings are so Damaging to Relationships

Why Misunderstandings are so Damaging to Relationships

Why do Misunderstandings Happen?

I believe that the foremost reason why this happens is that we, as humans, all think differently. We interpret what someone is saying and we judge from our own experiences, what the other is trying to convey. It’s easy to get it wrong if we think in that way, we are all unique, even simple words may mean something different than what we expect the word to mean.

Our ego gets caught up in the conversation and messes with how we interpret what is being said. If we ask someone a question, we often expect to hear back from that person, what we want to hear. If we don’t, we get angry because we sometimes feel the other should know what we want to hear. We expect the right response, according to our belief.

Our ego jumps in and says something like this, “He’s wrong. You’re right. How dare he disregards my perfect opinion”.  Not to mention the “He should agree with me.”. The ego wants to be right, and if not, it’s going to throw a tantrum.

We make assumptions, that what the other is saying, means what we hear from our own perspective. We don’t bother to clarify what is truly being said, so, we end up being wrong. The message has been distorted and that is because of our interpretation. We stop listening and things get worse. We end up feeling hurt, frustrated, angry, and we don’t feel understood. Thus, a conflict is created. The voices get raised. One or the other then becomes silent and walks away in anger. That brings on its own set of complications. We end up with a full-blown war on our hands.

Personal Experience With Misunderstandings

I have experience with this big time. In my life, this problem has caused 95% of the conflicts I have faced in my relationships. This stuff still happens now and again. But since I have been learning about “ego” and how it works, things have taken a turn for the better.

What also helped me to change my ways, came as a result of a misunderstanding with a beloved family member. It happened because I thought she understood my point of view, but she did not. She was hurt and confused, and even though I tried to explain and also apologized, it was too late. I blamed myself for days until we spoke again. I’m pleased that it happened, it won’t happen again.

I also realize that no one else is responsible for my feelings, nor am I responsible for theirs. We are the only ones responsible for the way we choose to feel. This is one of the most difficult, and yet the most important lessons of my life. 

This is why misunderstandings are so damaging to relationships.

How to Deal With Misunderstandings

Show Appreciation

There are a number of ways to deal with misunderstandings. I see these same results cropping up on most web searches and the books I use for my research. I have used several of these suggestions and I have definitely been helped while dealing with this issue.

To begin with, when I feel a misunderstanding is getting out of hand, I take a break. I try to quiet my mind as best I can and ask for a short break while I manage to ease my ego. During this break I ask myself a couple of questions. “Do I just want to be right? Is this about winning an argument and coming out on top?”. The answers usually come up pretty quickly and I usually have to face the reality of the truth. Yes, I want to be right and I really want to win this argument. It all comes from ego.

I then show my appreciation for the other person by making a simple apology, I am sorry. Then, I ask for clarification and ask questions rather than make assumptions. I know that I don’t always understand what the other is trying to convey. Therefore, I listen to their point of view and allow them to finish what they are trying to say. No matter how much I want to interrupt. I then give feedback to see if we are on the same page. Doing these things has a tendency to deflate the situation and the ego!

Now it’s time for me to speak, I restate what I think is being said and again ask for feedback. This is just in case I’m on the wrong track. One of the things that used to happen a great deal was the escalation of the volume of our voices. And repeating the same things over and over again. This is not useful. So now, I change the words and rephrase my message.

My Point

Why Misunderstandings are so Damaging

Misunderstandings cause a strain on many relationships. Therefore, it is wonderful to have some tools to help us get unstuck during these situations. Learning to understand why these misunderstandings happen and how to cope with them, could be the saving grace of a relationship.

What you can do Today

You can use these steps during a regular calm conversation, just for practice. For example, when you find yourself in the middle of a small misunderstanding, try taking a little break. Ask yourself if you have to be right on this occasion. Later when you find yourself dealing with something more serious you have a bit of practice to fall back on.

Albert Schweitzer